Raising BoyS To Become MEN
A Chassidic Mother’s Guide
So many of the problems we see in marriages today could be avoided — if only boys were raised right.
(And so many men would have more confidence stepping into marriage for that matter.)
A woman once told me she couldn’t move forward with a man she cared deeply about.
She said, “He takes very good care of himself — but he doesn’t know how to take care of another person.”
He pennies and dimes her.
He’ll spend hours on the phone with airlines, appliance stores, and even grocery stores — comparing the price of a string bean.
He finds the cheapest ways to do everything for her — but spares no expense on himself.
He didn’t know what to say, and even ran away when she fell ill — yet claimed he loved her and wanted to marry her.
And she asked, “How can I marry a man who doesn’t know how to give?”
The Root of the Problem
Even if your own marriage isn’t perfect — even if there are things you wish were different — you can still raise a mensch.
How? By teaching your sons the art of generosity.
Not just with money — but with time, words, and heart.
Generosity in Marriage
Ask yourself — and teach your sons to ask themselves:
Am I generous with my time?
Am I generous with my money?
Am I generous with my words?
You don’t have to be rich or fluent in emotions to raise a generous soul. What matters is what you model.
Chassidic Core: Life Is Not About Me
From the time a boy is small, he must learn the Chassidic truth:
Life is not about what I need — it’s about what I am needed for.
It can begin with his relationship to Hashem — serving G-d not for reward, but because G-d needs him in this world.
But don’t let him hide behind religion —
“I’m too busy learning Torah to help you, mommy.”
No, no. If Torah doesn’t make him more giving, it’s not Torah yet — it’s ego.
Teach Generosity of Time
Ask him to help you when he’s “busy.”
Not after the Lego tower is done, not when the video game is over — right in the middle.
“Sweetheart, can you help Mommy fold the laundry?”
Let him experience what it feels like to step out of himself.
That’s where manhood begins — in small moments of selflessness.
Teach Generosity of Money
Teach him to tithe. When he receives birthday, bar mitzvah, or Chanukah money — let him immediately give a portion to tzedakah.
Let him feel the joy of giving. It’s not loss — it’s gain.
Teach Generosity of Words
Model it.
Praise your husband in front of your son.
Say “thank you,” even for small things.
Even if your marriage isn’t perfect, and sometimes you bicker, let your son hear your words of kindness more than your words of criticism.
Because the way a boy hears his mother speak to his father and vice versa is how he’ll one day speak to his wife.
Teach Consideration
Remind him gently: “Don’t leave your dirty socks for your mother — or your wife — to pick up, my dear.”
Let him take care of you sometimes.
Let him make you tea when you’re sick.
Give him the joy of serving, not just being served.
Teach Emotional Generosity
Maybe you’re not the overly affectionate type — that’s okay.
But show love in your way: Listen when he talks, look up from your phone, make eye contact, smile.
Let him feel that love isn’t just words — it’s presence.
Preparing Him for Marriage
I’ve always told my son, half-jokingly, half-prayerfully:
“I even davened for your shidduch before you were born!”
While he was still inside me, I said,
“Please, Hashem — bless her. Let them meet early. Let them fulfill their destiny together.”
And then I added, with a laugh,
“I hope she’s affectionate like me — because this boy has been kissed from head to toe, including between the toes!”
But I also prepare him:
“If your wife isn’t lovey-dovey like your mama, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Not all women express love the same way.”
When he told me, “Ema, when I grow up, I want a Shabbos table like yours,”
I said, “That’s beautiful — but never tell your wife ‘my mother’s table or cholent or anything is better.’”
Teach him to honor his wife, not compare her.
Show him everything your husband does that’s kind, helpful, respectful even if those occasions are rare — so he learns how a mensch behaves.
Because as Chassidus teaches:
A man isn’t someone who dominates.
A man is someone who gives.
The Difference Between a Man and a Boy
Some say:
“The difference between a man and a boy is that a boy does what he wants —
and a man does what he must.”
If we want to raise boys who grow into husbands, fathers, and givers — we must teach them that life’s sweetness comes not from being served,
but from serving with joy.
That’s how we raise men —
and that’s how we raise the next generation of menschlichkeit and Shalom Bayis.